Well, this is a first.

For me, this was an incredibly thin weekend at the box office. Between The Equalizer 2, Mamma-Mia: Here We Go Again, and Unfriended: Dark Web, I really didn't want to see any of these films. But I figured I'd have more fun at a bad horror movie than at a musical that really wasn't my cup of tea.

I really wish I'd just gone and listened to Pierce Brosnan butcher ABBA songs for two hours.

Unfriended: Dark Web is the sequel to the absolutely horrifically bad Unfriended, which managed to somehow make a ton of money based on its somewhat novel concept. You see, the films in this franchise are shot from the perspective of a computer screen: all you see on the screen is whatever our main character would be seeing on their laptop. In order to facilitate an actual, you know, movie with this concept, they both feature a long and drawn out video conference call between a group of friends. This was annoying off the bat, because no teenager in 2018 uses Skype anymore; they've all moved on to either Facebook video, FaceTime, or Discord.

Teenagers also don't play Cards Against Humanity with physical cards over Skype, but that's how the "characters" of this film do it. So what, they all need their own deck? Whats to prevent someone from cheating and getting the best cards set up beforehand? This was a little irksome particularly since there's good online clients for the game.

It was at this point about 10 minutes into Unfriended: Dark Web that I came to a realization: I wasn't having fun, and I was likely only going to get more mad about things like mis-characterization of what the "dark web" is and terrible jump scares. So before the film even hints at anything scary, I decided I had had enough and left to go do more productive things, like sit at home and play video games.

So, while I hated every single second of this film and would absolutely advise against any human being with any of their physical senses seeing it, it would be unfair of me to call this a movie review. Instead, just consider it a public service advisory.

See the trailer for Unfriended: Dark Web below, if I haven't put you off.

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